Spider-Man: No Way Home (2022) - A Tale of Two Peters

The Problem 

There's a moment somewhere in the first half of No Way Home where Dr. Strange says to Peter, "The problem is not Mysterio. It's you. Trying to live two different lives, and the longer you do that the more dangerous it becomes." It is obviously wrong.

I think anyone with at least a passing knowledge of Spider-Man can easily identify his key characteristics: He is a working class guy of humble origins who is constantly trying to juggle his responsibilities as a superhero and his responsibilities in his personal and professional life, all while maintaining a playful demeanor and caring about everyone (including his enemies). I cannot stress this enough that while everyone is entitled to their own interpretation of what "Spider-Man" signifies to them, this is absolutely a common enough understanding of the character and can easily be used as the thematic basis for a film. "No, Dr. Strange. I am not the problem. There are challenges that must be faced and I will face them as both Peter Parker and Spider-Man."

I have a lot of problems with No Way Home on account of it sucking, but I think this was the biggest fuck-up by far: At the end of the movie, Strange is proven right. The only way that Spider-Man can save everyone is by giving up his life as Peter Parker. It's the weirdest fucking thing because it's completely antithetical to everything that Spider-Man has been about in every. incarnation. of the. character.

It is especially jarring considering that the opportunity to present this choice, "Be Spider-Man or be Peter Parker" is presented so obviously in the narrative. There actually are two other Spider-Men in story that could exemplify either choice for the MCU Peter, and the movie does nothing with this concept.

Before I saw this movie, I was certain that MCU Peter was going to be the one who was jumping around to different universes. (The movie is called No Way Home, but Peter is always home. You can't convince me that at some point in pre-production, he was supposed to jump around to different universes instead of everyone coming to him.) I was also kinda hoping that if we were going to re-introduce all of these characters that they might have some development instead of just being thrown back into the movie.

So with this in mind, here's an idea for how No Way Home should have played out:

The Amazing Spider-Man

Ok, so MCU Peter gets thrown into another dimension. He's lost, he's confused, and he needs help. He knows that there must be another Peter Parker somewhere out there, so he does a little research. He can't find Peter Parker, high school student or Peter Parker, photographer, but instead finds Dr. Peter Parker, a highly respected researcher at Columbia University. He decides to shadow him for a bit as Dr. Parker, whom we can now reveal to be Andrew Garfield from the Amazing Spider-Man movies, goes about his daily routine.

As young Peter watches Dr. Parker, he sees that he is highly respected and everyone seems to be a little afraid of him. He is still young, he's objectively handsome, and extremely successful. He's probably banging his TA's. Even if we don't see it, it is clear that this Spider-Man fucks. This is an especially powerful scene to Young Peter, as his entire arc in his own films has been feeling like he's "not good enough". Here is a version of himself who is a thousand times more confident and more successful than he ever will be, and it hits him hard.

Young Peter introduces himself and Amazing Peter shows him his headquarters. This Spider-Man has focused his scientific mind to creating gadgets and tools to aid his crime-fighting. When we last saw him, he lost Gwen Stacy, and filled that void in his life with being Spider-Man. Looking at all his weapons, it's clear that he's done nothing but this for the past 7 years. "Did Tony build this for you?" No, there's no Tony Stark in this universe. Amazing Peter did it all by himself. (This also stings a bit to hear.) Young Peter asks if Amazing Peter has his own Aunt May. "Who? Oh, right. I guess she's still around."

Amazing Peter has an army of drones to handle the low-level street thugs, but when there's a big threat, he handles it himself. An alarm goes off. The Rhino is robbing a bank (or whatever). The two Spider-Men fight him together, but it's clear that Young Peter is way out of his depth. Amazing Peter's tech is so powerful that his spider-abilities are almost completely unnecessary. They easily capture The Rhino and leave him hanging in webs.

Young Peter is stunned. "I can't believe what you did there. You're amazing!"

"Yeah, thanks. This guy wasn't much of a challenge though." Then Amazing Peter points his wrist shooter at The Rhino and blows him the fuck away with a shotgun blast.

"Wh-what did you just do? You killed him."

"Of course I did. Don't you? Do you hand them over to the police where they can escape and kill innocent people? Trust me, kid. This way is better."

"No, I would never do that."

"Well, I guess that makes me the Superior Spider-Man."

Uncle Peter

You can probably see where I'm going with this. When Young Peter ends up in the Raimi universe, he meets Old Peter. Old Peter has a wife, Mary Jane of course, and a young daughter named May. Young Peter has a revelation here as well, because up until this point, he likes the MJ from his universe, but, marriage? A family? It's a shock to him, but he finds himself not unpleasantly surprised. 

But to him, his Aunt May is a lot younger than Raimi's Aunt May. And yeah, this Peter is maybe twenty years older than him, but the math still doesn't add up. Aunt May should be here. He asks about her.

"Ah, Aunt May," Old Peter gazes at his daughter, "There was a guy, maybe about ten years ago. His name was Toomes. I...got careless and he found out where I lived. Aunt May was the only one home. Toomes, he..." Mary Jane places a supportive hand on her husband's shoulder. "It's a mistake that I won't make again." Young Peter reflects on his own life.

Old Peter doesn't have much in the way of resources to help Young Peter get back to his own universe, but there might be some information at the Daily Bugle, where he works as a simple photographer. They head downtown together. They're walking peacefully on the Brooklyn Bridge, but, suddenly! Danger! Oh fuck! It's The Rhino again! 

Young Peter immediately dons his mask and starts fighting The Rhino. He's seen this guy in action before, so he has a good idea of what to expect. Still, The Rhino is strong, and Young Peter is just barely keeping up. The Rhino is rampaging across the bridge and knocks a bus over the edge. Young Peter can just barely grab it with his webs, but he isn't strong enough to pull it up. The people inside are trying to climb out, and yelling at Spider-Man to help. The Rhino is coming closer.

Young Peter is straining under the weight of the bus. He can see the Rhino is moving towards him. "Peter! Come on! Help me!"

Old Peter just stands there.

"Peter! Get the bus and I'll handle The Rhino!"

Old Peter turns to leave. "It's a mistake that I won't make again." He goes home to his family. The Rhino crashes into Young Peter. The bus falls in a long, drawn-out shot where we can hear every scream. It hits the water and the screams stop.

Conclusion

No Way Home sucks. It is a collection of reddit memes and not an actual movie.