Dealing with my own Feelings about Fatphobia

 Bear with me here. This may come out a bit rambling.

If I someone were looking at me like a statistic when I was born, they would anticipate that I would grow up to be right-wing. The child of two religious families, born and raised in the Midwest, raised Catholic, straight, white and living in a predominantly white environment. It's honestly still a mystery, even to me, how I ended up like...this.

Pictured: Me, twenty years ago

If I were to critically examine myself, I think I was blessed -- blessed -- with an ability to identify my own biases. A lot of left-wing people in the "dominant culture" have had to go through the same thing, I think (I hope). You are told your entire life a certain thing, or everyone around you believes a certain thing, or acts a certain way, or whatever, and you have to look at yourself and say, "Wait, I can't trust my own opinion on this, because I have never been trans" or whatever.

So when you're 16 and you're joking with your friends that something is "faggy" and you convince yourself that you're not making fun of gay people, no no. You are just using the word as a slang word for something bad, but have nothing against homosexual people. All the while, actual gay people are asking you and everyone to um, please stop using our sexuality as a slur, and you have to stop and go, "Wait, I was wrong about this. I have to learn to listen better and be more supportive."

And if you grow up WASPy in the Midwest, you have to do this multiple times over the course of a lifetime. You have to critically reexamine what you were taught about gay people, trans people, Latino people, Indigenous people, heaps and heaps of misinformation about black people, and so on and so on. Until you get to the point where it just becomes more efficient that you should assume that everything you taught might be wrong and biased in at least some way and it's better to assume you don't know shit, and to listen more than you speak.

I had to actually readjust my thinking (and still am) when I was young and didn't know much about gay people. It was an uncomfortable feeling to do something like that at first, but when I got older and trans issues become more prominent in our society, I didn't even have to think about it: I started from a position that I didn't know anything, and if I did, I was biased, and I should just listen to trans people from the beginning. The process of realizing that I'm biased and to listen more has become much, much easier with practice. I'm so lucky for this skill.

That's why I feel so, so terrible thinking about the fat positivity movement. I can't connect my thinking with the fat activists speaking out about this issue.

I say this not as, like, an attack or a criticism of these people, their message, or their lifestyle choices. I say this (in everything that I write on this blog but especially now) to challenge my own beliefs and work out what I'm thinking in writing. Because I want to be on the side of the fat activists. I want to challenge fat phobia in the world and in myself, but I'm mentally stuck and can't get past it.

To start with the easy stuff, I do believe, really believe that people should not be made to feel bad about their bodies, for whatever reason. I think that's pretty clear for everyone. I'm not about to judge anyone and I'm hopefully not even interested in "hate the sin, love the sinner" ideas. Just, do what you want to do with your body and nobody should ever make you feel bad about that.

But already, even with something as simple as this, I still have a bias that I can't quite shake. See, when I acknowledge that I have other biases, I try to listen to people who have experiences that I don't have. I ain't never been Latino, so I just have to listen to what Latino people say. However, I do have a body, and I know the types of things that have made me fatter or thinner in the past. I have been about 90kg before, and it was an unorganized, cluttered, and generally sad point in life where I didn't exercise or socialize. I've been 60kg and 70kg, and both of those weights were the result of exercise and a healthy diet; and I felt good during those times too. I was always a bit chubby growing up, and it represents the few years in my life where I felt confident. I was actually happy to show off my body and wear the clothes that I wanted to wear, and the fact that it was the product of my hard work made me appreciate it much more.

And this is where part of the problem for my stupid, biased brain lies. I have had these experiences before, and I know what led to them. It's very, very hard, first of all, to not extrapolate my own personal experiences to everyone else, and second of all, to replace my actual, lived experience with the words of a fat activist. I understand that this is not impossible, but it is hard.

But I would be lying if I said that this is how I saw the world. In general, I view everything as broad systems that are acted upon us, rather than individual choices. I know that I gained 20kg when I was 24 because I was having trouble getting a job or making friends, which led to eating cheap fast food or easy carbohydrates. I was 70kg and a ton of muscle when I had the financial freedom to do so. I had access to a gym, free time to go there, and enough money to buy lean meats. I don't think it is anyone's fault that they are fat, and when I see someone who is fit for reasons other than their job, I immediately assume that they are rich and/or not working. 

Modern living is the culprit here. Our long working-hours, low incomes, and pressure from consumerism to look perfect all the time is creating the conditions where it is much easier to gain weight. And this is to say nothing of the people in food deserts or those with family responsibilities limiting their time, or health issues or whatever, all of which could be fixed by stronger social and welfare systems.

Pictured: Me, twenty seconds ago

I've heard some arguments from fat activists that we should not even bother with the issue of being fat at all. The overall question of "Why are you fat?" is in and of itself, a pointless question, because we just shouldn't care about it at all. And, on a social level, I think this is correct. We have to treat everyone the same, no matter what they look like.

However, it's so difficult to reconcile the feeling of "do not judge this other person because you don't know what's going on with them" with "I would never, ever want to be like that." Again, I think I've heard the argument from fat activists that the feeling of "I don't want to be like you," is fatphobia. And, I agree. When I see someone who is obsessed with sports or something, I still say, "I don't want to be like you," but I know that thinking this about someone with a different hobby is different from thinking this about someone fat.

Deep down, I am fatphobic. I mean this both in the sense that I have an unfair prejudice that I need to be rid of, and in the sense that I am afraid of being fat myself. Not only for the social reasons, but for the health ones as well. I am terrified of the prospect of dying early and leaving my wife behind. 

So, how do I reconcile? I see someone whom I don't and can't know everything about, who looks like something that I never want to be. I want to treat them as a person and approach them judgment and prejudice-free, but I also want to make sure that I do not ever look like them. I want desperately to reconcile these feelings, but I don't know how.

Apologies to everyone who read through this. I'm trying to approach this with honesty about my own feelings and a desire to change, but I can certainly assume that what I have written is offensive. I should keep thoughts like this to myself, but I do wish to change my thinking on this issue, and writing it out is the best way for me to do that. Still, I apologize for the prejudice that I still have and apologize for what is written here.