Kiss Me, Bro. Tell Me I'm Straight - Queer Theory in LOTR

 In general, I really enjoy LGBTQ films. Not only the subversive, but the substantial. Pink Flamingos to Call Me By Your Name. Films of any stripe or identity, actually, anything that might give me a glimpse into a world that I'm not a part of.

In general, I really enjoy alternative readings of films as well. A good theory about a movie has the possibility to further elucidate the stated themes of a film, or turn everything on its head. Even when the theory doesn't hold up to the highest levels of scrutiny, just the possibility that there's a hidden message or underlying meaning to something makes it more exciting to enjoy.

That said,

I'm putting my foot down.

The Lord of the Rings is a straight film and it needs to stay that way.

I'd like to explain three things here. One, why it is straight. Two, why it should be straight. And three why it's important for it to be straight.

1. It's Just Not Gay

For some reason, this seems to be the most radical of statements to make about the movie, and the one that almost feels silly to point out, but, the movie just doesn't have any homosexuality in it. You wanna talk about crossdressing, breaking societal norms about gender and hetreonormativity? Yes and yes. But gayness? Being attracted to people of the same gender? Nada.

But Kevin, you argue, aren't you forgetting all of the homoerotic scenes in all three movies of the Lord of Rings which was and is a film trilogy with no prequels or spin-off TV series in this the year of our lord 2023?

No, no I'm certainly not, because in general, these films (which, just to remind you, there are and only every will be three of) are extremely chaste, first of all, and do not contain any gay characters or scenes.

No, not even this

Most people will start the conversation with talking about Sam and Frodo, which, I'll admit seems suspicious. Frodo never expresses any interest in women, and in the end of the trilogy, sails off into the west with a bunch of DUDES. And don't you know that not being sexually active and hanging out with other men makes you gay?

And Sam, that guy. You know he was nothing but loyal and supportive to Frodo before getting married to his wife and having children with her? What could be gayer than that?

Ok, so here I need to pause for a second and address something. I'm not out to take anything away from someone, and as I mentioned before, alternative readings and theories of texts is always interesting. The problem with this Queer Theory reading of the LOTR films is that the evidence is not there. You're still struggling against this, I can tell. How cute would it be if they were? What Sam is just in the closet? Don't gay people also deserve representation in film?

AND WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE SEXY PIPES

Yes, it would be super romantic if they were gay together, but they're not.

Sam might be in closet, but if he is, the textual evidence is not there and you're just fanfic-ing at this point.

Yes, gay people absolutely deserve representation in as many films as possible that actually feature gay people.

2. Gay or Straight, We All Deserve Better Discourse

I think arguing that this movie is gay representation actually does a great disservice to both gay and straight people.

For gay people, I think positive representation is important, but almost affirmative representation. There is something to be said for a narrative about someone coming to terms with their sexuality or someone in the closet and struggling to come out, but those are still affirmative representation. "I am gay, and it is difficult" or "I am gay? and it is difficult" are still affirmations of one's sexuality. "I am gay, but I do not talk about it, admit it, or act upon it" is the Disney corporation's version of sexuality. "See those two guys smiling at each other? See those two ladies hugging? Gay representation!"

Do you not feel represenated?

For straight people, especially straight men, this film is perhaps the best example of positive masculinity in any era. To blur the lines between "gay" and "being loyal and kind" is to do a disservice to anyone of any sexuality.

To say it in a different way: there are precious few ways for straight men to express kindness, loyalty, or affection without being accused of being gay. We are pigeon-holed into these meaningless displays of masculinity and sexual promiscuity with the express intent of avoiding "looking gay". What is a kiss on the forehead between friends? Does this minor display of physical affection change your sexuality in any way? What does it mean if a man does not wholeheartedly or frequently engage in sexual behavior with women? Does that make them gay? If two guys are friends, are they gay? Fellas, is it gay to save the world with your best friend?

These questions are, of course, absolute nonsense, and infuriating moreover. We have all seen the opposite of this, haven't we? The infamous "not-gays"? Two guys are hanging out together, but the film makes it clear, they'd rather be FUCKING HOT LADIES. Whose that outside my window, is that Samwise Gamgee? Sam, what are you doing? Don't you know that I'm BANGING HOT HOBBIT BITCHES in here? Could you ever imagine fighting side-by-side with an elf? But, like, not in a gay way? No homo.

Aye, I could bareback a thicc dwarf girl

It seems to be a no-win situation doesn't it? Either the movie is obnoxiously, offensively straight or everyone is a closeted homosexual. Well, no, because...

3. We Need to Celebrate the Straightness of Lord of the Rings

If I haven't offended you yet, well, here we finally are. I fully realize that I'm about to come off as the worst fucking right-wing loser here, talking about how bad it is to be a straight male, or how multiculturalism is ruining America, or maintaining our Christian values or whatever, but I stand by this: Not only do we need to acknowledge the straightness of LOTR, but we need to celebrate it.

I hinted at this before, but I need to emphasize it once more: There is an extreme lack of positive male examples in media that do not fall victim to displaying traits of toxic masculinity. The men in Lord of the Rings are a truly amazing group. They not only run the gamut of different body types -- with an older guy, some younger cuties, a long-haired prettyboy, and a hirsute short king -- but also varying degrees of strength and skill -- the smaller, weaker hobbits are strong of heart which is more valuable. This is the whole point of the movie. The only reason for their success is their ability to balance each other out and support each other, often at great cost to themselves. Each member, regardless of how tall they are, is valuable, and each member, no matter how "special" is willing to give his life for the others. 

And straight men need to hear this. Because the characters in LOTR are not only strong, self-sacrificing, humble, loyal, and physically affectionate, but they are also strong as well. The movie does not code anyone queer in this -- there's no lisps or flamboyant colors, Legolas doesn't stop in the middle of a fight because he broke a nail -- they are the tough guys in this universe. They are the heroes, and they are not ashamed to "act gay".

It does a lot for young men to hear it: I'm straight, I love my straight male friends, and I'm not ashamed of that.